love and relove

January 16, 2010

I have been talking and thinking about how people re-enter damaged relationships – the humps and bumps along the way. In these situations, it is best to approach life with a clear mind and an open heart.

1.  Remain open and watch for the truth. You sometimes find it in the most unexpected places but you must be open to see it.
2. Always approach your relationship troubles with love. Avoid reacting to being hurt or acting in spite. When we feel hurt it is most often in reaction to the people we love the most in our life. Do not ignore this basic truth.
3. Believe that love is always possible and trust can be rebuilt – just make sure it is real and not something you just wish were true. Be careful about the ‘honeymoon’ stage of re-kindled relationships. The troubled parts come back very quickly if you haven’t dealt with them.
4. Make small commitments that you are comfortable keeping. This should give you the peace and space that you require.
5. Be strong and embrace the uncomfortable situations like asking for time, understanding, compassion and peace from your partner, parents and friends.
6. The ability to embrace discomfort is important so you don’t make bad decisions out of fear or pressure. Remain true to what you want for yourself and your relationships.
7. Be reasonable about what you expect from your relationships. You may be perpetually frustrated if you look for the elusive perfect relationship or mate especially if the focus is on the unimportant and transitory aspects (from a long term perspective) like good looks, fashionable clothes, etc. Instead focus on character that will make you happy in the long term. The idea of being able to ‘do better’ is a dangerous one in most cases.
8. Restore your relationship for the correct reasons –  not for the sake of ease, appeasement or societal normalcy. Be aware of (but not unduly affected by) your particular circumstance – your age, your desirability, your status or your wealth. Too much emphasis on these things can cloud your judgment and may result in poor decisions.
9. Be careful of what you ask for. Avoid testing the people you love by putting them in undesirable conditions and judging if they will make the right choice. They may also be posturing and you may not like the answers you get.

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