April 10, 2010

Brainstorming session, Headquarters

Dim1: We are here to discuss this new idea from our strategic idea people. Lets talk about the opportunity of building our paper fireplace…
Derk: Cool! A fireplace that burns compact paper logs.
Dim1: No…it’s a fireplace made from paper…
Derik: um, wait a …
Dim1: Derik! Hang on. I want to get the idea on the table. So, since metal is too expensive, we are considering making the fireplace from paper…in fact white paper. Did I mention strategic?
Dim2: We should do an idea matrix…yes…no…a decision matrix…no…um
Dim1: I like the way you think Dim2…very strategic.
Derik: Shouldn’t we talk about …
Dim1: No Derik! Not yet. We are brainstorming here – getting the ideas out. I’m talking strategy here. You need to learn that.
Dim2: so, did anyone see the Matrix? It’s so awesome how they bend like that…
Dim1: Yeah that was a good one…Derik, see how Dim2 sees the big picture? We could use ideas like that – it’s paper, we could print one with Trinity, one with Morpheus…
Derik: Wouldn’t it just burn? I mean…
Dim1: Duh! Welcome to strategic thinking Derik!!! Of course it would burn, it’s a friggin’ fireplace. Sheesh!
Dim3: Could we make green ones? That’s a very strategic colour for us right now. I think we could increase sales by, like, a lot.
Dim4: Yes! and yellow…
More: what about different shapes?…think origami.
Dim1: YES! this is what I’m looking for! okay okay keep going.
More: Wait! I was joking about origami! I think we should let Derik talk…let’s hear what he has to say. He has been doing this for a while.
Dim1: Yeah, maybe too long. (mumble) need new blood…(mumble, mumble) need to be more strategic…
Derik: If you make the fireplace out of paper, it would burn…fire-hazard…safety issue. You can’t do that.
Dim1: Aarghh! You can’t say CAN’T in here…it’s a brainstorming session…it’s against the corporate values, you BASTARD!
More: I think Derik has a valid point. You can’t just ignore it.
Dim1: We’re not ignoring it…this is not the right time to be negative. You are so negative Derik. No wonder we don’t get anything done around here.
Dim2: maybe we can put it in the risk matrix…yes…that’s it! I love the Matrix…the way they bend…it shows flexibility. I think I said a good one, didn’t I Dimmy?
Dim1: Exactly! I wish EVERYONE at the table could be like that. Okay let’s go through the risk matrix. Read em out Dim2.
Dim2: So we have the paper-fire-hazard-liability one, the lined versus blank paper one, the coloured paper consumer experience one, the will-Morpheus-sell one.
Dim1: okay, let’s park #1 because it’s too hard…let’s deal with the low hanging fruit. I love my job…I’m king of the world…strategic king of the world…hahaha.
Derik: But everything else we do hinges on #1. We need to talk about that first. We may be wasting time solving the other ones first.
Dim1: No! Bad Derik! you are such a nay-sayer…so irritating…I’ve been on training – you always deal with the hard ones last. Low-hanging-fruit first Derik. Get it in your head. We’re talking plums from a dwarf tree here, not coconuts. You would so starve in the real world…going for the coconuts first.
Dim2: I thought this was about a paper fireplace…why are we talking about fruit? Wait! That just gave me an idea…
Dim1: Okay – meeting’s over. You happy Derik? Look what you’ve done. I’m going to talk to Dreg and Dom about this – we need someone strategic on this team – a team-player. YOU, bring my car around. Can’t you see I’m busy pretending to type on my Blackberry? Do you have ANY idea how important I am?


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