December 15, 2010
I have a problem with goodbyes. It’s not that I cannot say goodbye or that I fear parting; it’s more about how I need to say goodbye (or goodnight) to anyone I care about – I need to part in a positive way. I follow a ritual when I part with someone. Any negativity can break it and I feel like I almost have to restart my goodbye.
Subconsciously, I need this ritual to ensure that if something ever was to happen to either of us, then we would have parted on loving terms. I’m not sure when this started, but this can actually affect the tone of parting – changing a nice time into one that is regretful.
December 8, 2010
spiraling and spinning. my world is closing in
yet I must push through. seek the light, stop
pretending, living dreams that don’t really exist
I know my destiny, know that I owe and must. I
cannot have what I need, what may even quench
my thirst or bring me a kinder peace.
I have dug my grave. sinful, deviant and destroying
of people’s lives. Why did I find myself there, alone
with no one to guide me. so much pain and me young,
confused, unsure. moved from paradise and happiness
to a sudden berated abusive existence. vile lonely farm
that made it possible to need so badly.
I am close to an end, which one I cannot know yet, my
life not quite destined. my death not determined, yet
always present. destruction seems like the only course,
the only way that I can see wherever I look. I am not
alone. there are worse fates, worse existences, worse
endings. I have to find mine soon.