April 12, 2011
alone. the day is dark. so lonely
striking contrast to years gone by
living one day at a time, not feeling
nothing but numbness. can you now feel?
your day is here, but I am missing
we would have tasted heaven and
drunk from God’s cup – wine sweet
like dripping honey. can you taste yet?
diamonds. your stone, so exquisite
facets of our lives together. gone
now without a trace except for the
broken echoes and shards. can you hear?
wild roses on the garden wall. thorny
but so beautiful and the smell of dessert
petals so delicate like the finest silk
attar on the wind. can you still smell?
your eyes blurred. so wet with the rain
hiding the tears that threaten to come
like a torrent. what is left of this life?
clouds hiding the sun. can you still see?
April 7, 2011
carer. discipliner. tired woman
raising eight children. birthing ten
jennifer dead. a boy also. pain
and tears at carrying a corpse
liver of dreams. provider. lover
of us all. giving when there was
nothing left to give. wiping our
tears. making us weep salt
teller of tales. stealer of stories
funny mother. your losses make us
indignant and angry when we
should be be understanding
you are us in a few years – with
luck and hard work. to be so loved
is profound, rare. to be so admired
is what we strive for. mother.
March 23, 2011
silence. the world sleeps while I toss and turn.
weird dreams awaken a longing inside me
that I haven’t felt for a very long time.
emptiness. the comfort of warmth is hiding.
I am left to guess, ponder and consider
whether I understand your real truth.
sadness. your promises have not been kept.
running without words! you are supposed
to be my support. pillar. like I am yours.
February 7, 2011
you destroyed me tonight along with your
own hopes. dashed like a drifting ship on
the sharp crags of shore. plucked from the
apex and dropped into mire and filth.
wasted. the energy, the passion, the very
core of my being wasted. playing a game
with life – your life – is foolish. standing
before gods as witnesses of foolishness.
i did not anticipate getting here this fast
wiping tears where moments before there
were smiles. ask yourself why you need to
be loved more than you love. grow.
ask yourself why you are most afraid when
you are at your happiest. look deeply
January 30, 2011
standing in the corner watching you smile
and laugh with the ease of a child but somehow
still practiced. oblivious to your pain. my face
in darkness, shadowed from the light by curtains
of cobwebs spun from threads of remorse
your laughter pierces my ears, shrill with
happiness that is rehearsed and unnatural
my eyes burned with your vision, hopelessly
parading your wares. your vulgar attempt for
acceptance in stark contrast to your beauty
desperation in knowing the carnal but not
knowing love. always grasping for what’s
not there, looking down the wrong road,
choosing the wrong door, opening the wrong
book. desperation for not knowing yourself
December 15, 2010
I have a problem with goodbyes. It’s not that I cannot say goodbye or that I fear parting; it’s more about how I need to say goodbye (or goodnight) to anyone I care about – I need to part in a positive way. I follow a ritual when I part with someone. Any negativity can break it and I feel like I almost have to restart my goodbye.
Subconsciously, I need this ritual to ensure that if something ever was to happen to either of us, then we would have parted on loving terms. I’m not sure when this started, but this can actually affect the tone of parting – changing a nice time into one that is regretful.
December 8, 2010
spiraling and spinning. my world is closing in
yet I must push through. seek the light, stop
pretending, living dreams that don’t really exist
I know my destiny, know that I owe and must. I
cannot have what I need, what may even quench
my thirst or bring me a kinder peace.
I have dug my grave. sinful, deviant and destroying
of people’s lives. Why did I find myself there, alone
with no one to guide me. so much pain and me young,
confused, unsure. moved from paradise and happiness
to a sudden berated abusive existence. vile lonely farm
that made it possible to need so badly.
I am close to an end, which one I cannot know yet, my
life not quite destined. my death not determined, yet
always present. destruction seems like the only course,
the only way that I can see wherever I look. I am not
alone. there are worse fates, worse existences, worse
endings. I have to find mine soon.